I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
