I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just pee around me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
