Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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