it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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