he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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