Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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