Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
