either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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