sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
