You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
