Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
