only you would photoshop your dick
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
