i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
