so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
