I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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