At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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