What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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