Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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