Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
