Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
