I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
