Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
