I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
