well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
