I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
