Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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