Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
