im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
