It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
