I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
