We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
