if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
