Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
