Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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