Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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