Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
