T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
