You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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