You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
