Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
