They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
