go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
