i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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