im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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