i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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