i think i have two assholes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i believe in u and ur pee
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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