im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
