my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
