I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
