I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
